Philadelphia was once held in such high regard that it was briefly the capital of our young nation. It went downhill from there. Like our current capital, the city has become a cesspool of hate and ignorance. The big difference is that at least Washington D.C. isn’t proud of it.
To make matters worse, the city is fresh off a Superbowl victory and for some reason they seem to think that has some sort of relevance to hockey. Well the NFL is adorable and all but fuck that, no more kids table, time to put on your big boy pants and come play in the real show. You are going to run into a Philadelphian online or in person in the coming days. Here is a guide.
Step one of course is not to get into an argument. It is difficult to win an argument against an intelligent person. It is fucking impossible to win an argument against an idiot.
The first thing they will mention is our last playoff matchup.
It’s been a while. We have not had to look at their cheesesteak stained jerseys since 2012, when the Penguins lost to them. It’s understandable. Pens probably got one look at an unwashed greasy clump of ginger hair fluttering in the wind and spent the whole series trying to avoid touching it. 2012. That is a series you are going to here a lot about. Some of the Philly faithful must have a few brain cells clacking together inside their thick neanderthal skulls because they managed to remember a few stats from that series. Now normally I would say that what has happened in the past has no bearing on a current matchup. But fuck it, they want to bring it up, lets bring up the past. When is the last time the Flyers have won anything? Let’s have a look;
2017- No, says here they didn’t make the playoffs.
2016- First rd exit
2015-Did not qualify
2014-First rd exit
2013-Did not qualify
2012-2nd rd exit
2011-2nd rd exit
2010- Oh! They made it to the Finals, and lost.
2009- first round exit
2008-3rd round exit
2007-Did not qualify
2006- first rd exit to the fucking Sabres
2005-Lockout-this was their most successful year in recent memory
2004- 3rd round exit
2003 2nd rd exit
2002- 1st rd exit
2001-1st rd exit
This goes on for some time. They managed to lose in the finals a couple more times but that is about the height of their success.
Ok, now let me see, when is the last time the Pens have won anything. Better get out the old calculator for this one lets see…
2017-Back to back Stanley Cup Champions.
Huh, well will you look at that. So sure, lets go ahead and bring up the past you brainless shit gibbons. Please, let’s bring it up. While we are bringing it up lets talk about the regular season sweep this very year. “But playoffs are a different game!” they will yell, the smell of Steel Reserve and horse droppings on their breaths, but I would argue games played the same season as a playoff matchup have much more relevance to games played in 2012. Not that it would matter. They will just go further into the past.
Oh yes, they ain’t done bringing up the past. The next thing out of the Flyer fan mouth, other than the dick of the tollbooth worker they blew for drug money will be “Well at least we have never filed for bankruptcy!” They love to point this out, boast at how loyal they are and they always fill the seats. Well, if you were to go back just a few months this very season, you would have seen a very different sight.
I’m gonna stop right here, and say that after writing the above paragraph, I stopped to look up a hashtag on twitter #firehakstol that I knew had photos from earlier this season of empty seats at the game. To my surprise, the hashtag is still going strong as recently as 4 days prior to this writing. So i’ll just go ahead and stop right there, the team of diehard fans is screaming for the head coach to be fired as he heads to the post season. They may be right, he probably does need fired, that is not the point. They love to scream and yell that they support the team no matter what, these tweets do not reflect that sentiment.
Here is a collection, curated by yours truly, from this year:
— Novafan1976 (@novafan1976) December 2, 2017
— Coach Paul 89 (@CoachPaul89) December 2, 2017
— Kyle Fallon (@KyleFallon12) March 9, 2018
Total number of times “#FireHakstol” and “Fire Hakstol” has been tweeted since January 2nd
Every time the Flyers lose, fans lose it on Twitter 😂 pic.twitter.com/uIS9FXkNco
— Flyers Nerd (@FlyersNerd) January 17, 2018
The following are all tweets from Diehard REAL FANS WHO NEVER GIVE UP ON THEIR TEAM
these are all no older than about 2 weeks.
— Trevor (@FlyPhillyFly247) April 4, 2018
Flyers and Phillies competing to be phillys worst sports program. I think the flyers are winning that race
— Scuba Steve (@scoobastevie_) April 3, 2018
You could say I am cherry picking tweets, which is sort of true, I am picking my favorite ones. Truth be told I could close my eyes and select one at random. You can see for yourself.
Now, am I saying that Pens fans don’t make similar tweets? No I am not. Pens fans don’t also try to claim to be “REAL LOYAL FANS THAT ALWAYS SUPPORT THE TEAM!!!!”
So, when you meet a Flyers fan, when they point this out, and they will, simply give them a link to literally any social media post the Flyers made prior to the playoffs and have their caregiver read it for them. Sidebar, on the bankruptcy, and this is a fun one. Yes, Pittsburgh was in danger of losing it’s hockey team. But it didn’t, so who gives a fuck? Not only did the Pens not relocate, they are absolute juggernauts. You would think a city with a statue of Rocky would appreciate taking a beating but getting back up and dominating, but that is a lot to ask of a population that throws batteries at Santa Clause.
While we are on the topic of the Rocky statue, why the fuck is that thing even there? To quote the Great Bill Burr.
“Fuckin losers with fuckin rocky as your hero. the whole pride of your city is built around a guy who doesnt even exist! Fuckin Joe Frazier is from there but hes a black guy so you cant have him. Instead you make a statue to a fucking 3 foot italian guy!”
Matter of fact I’m just gonna quote ol Billy Redballs here for 13 minutes. This is known as “The Philadelphia incident” and is well worth the watch. Backstory is the comedians before him kept getting booed off stage, and Burr had enough. Do not watch this at work without headphones.
I am not even going to address all the “Cindy Crysby” “Crosby Sucks” etc. At one point in time they may have been able to make some sort of point, not a good one, but at least they could still attempt to claim Giroux was better.
At this point it is just sad, it really is. You are going to hear a lot of this. This simply means you have won. Once this shit starts coming out, you won, the discussion is over. No point going any further. Just show them a photo of Sid lifting the cup, you have a bunch to choose from.
Next, all you have to do is show them this image of Giroux, celebrating his Stanley Cup victories
So what do you do if you meet a Flyer fan on the streets? Well it’s best to avoid conflict. They will be very drunk, and very stupid. They tend to travel in herds similar to zombies, cows, or other large, dumb animals. Not only will you likely be outnumbered, but unlike them you will have a decent job, or school to get too and can’t afford to be arrested for fighting. I recommend carrying a replica of the Stanley Cup with you. Simply pace this between yourself and the herd. They seem to have some sort of aversion to it so they should quickly disperse. If this doesn’t work your last resort is to drop trou and shit right there on the street. I know it seems crude, but this is a Philadelphia delicacy and the crowd will become distracted, even fighting each other, over who gets the treat.
Last but not least, here is a quick recap of the Flyers seasons stats for you to reference during the series.